How to Win (Renaissance) Friends

Life Lessons from Monsignor Giovanni Della Casa for Today's World

“The Treatise of Master Iohn Della Casa, wherein under the person of an old unlearned man, instructing a youthe of his, he hath talke of the maners and fashions, it behoues a man to use or eschewe, in his familiar conuersation : intituled Galateo, or fashions and maners” (1576 translation by Robert Peterson), better known as Galateo, was written by Monsignor Giovanni Della Casa and published posthumously in 1558.

Published at the height of the Renaissance, this treatise aimed to teach proper social behavior based on the humanistic ideals of balance and moderation—core Renaissance values that promoted harmony in social relationships and the improvement of the individual through education and appropriate conduct.

“Portrait of Monsignor Della Casa” (c. 1541–1544) by Pontormo

The Galateo fits into what Norbert Elias later defined as the "civilizing process," offering behavioral norms designed to regulate daily interactions and discipline emotions, the body, and speech. These norms contributed to shaping a self-controlled individual aligned with the social expectations of the time. The rules of the Galateo not only reflected a desire to maintain social harmony but also encouraged the internalization of civil behavior, which, according to Elias' model, would later form the foundation of human relationships in modernity.

Beyond these theoretical aspects—and the infamous "Conciossiacosaché" opening (which alone might deter many from reading further)—I instead discovered an immensely enjoyable text filled with humor and practical lessons that, if adapted to today’s world, could easily be taught in families or schools.

Perhaps they should be!

At first, the constant encouragement to moderate one’s public behavior and mask negative emotions led me to believe that many of Galateo's rules were outdated. However, upon further reflection, I realized that it’s not just about pretending to be something we’re not for personal gain—it’s about taking responsibility for ourselves and others. In social situations, what we say and do has an impact and consequences, influencing how we are perceived and how others choose to behave.

Respect and consideration for others do not conflict with freedom of expression but should, in fact, be its foundation.

To help us all become a little more ‘Renaissance people,’ I’ve distilled ten key lessons. These are pieces of advice that we may already follow unconsciously, but I believe they deserve renewed attention.

Details from "The School of Athens" (Raphael, 1509–1511) and "The Wedding at Cana" (Paolo Veronese, 1563)

1)     Conviviality

I say that it is not proper for one to become angry at the table, no matter what happens; and if one does become angry, he should not show it, nor should he give any sign of his displeasure, (…), especially if you have guests dining with you, for you have invited them for joy, and now you sadden them.

Sitting at the table, whether with friends or, most importantly, with family, should be a moment of sharing and joy. Giving in to anger or a bad mood risks ruining the atmosphere, the pleasure of being together, and enjoying a good meal. To quote Brillat-Savarin (1825): " To invite someone is to take responsibility for their happiness for the entire time they are under our roof."

2)       Conversation Topics

One should not choose a subject that is too subtle or too refined, for it is difficult for most to understand. Care should be taken to propose a topic that does not cause anyone in the group to blush or feel offended.

Conversation is an exchange: it is crucial to consider the audience and create an inclusive atmosphere in social contexts. Della Casa reminds us of the importance of avoiding too subtle or complex topics and not embarrassing others with inappropriate discussions to encourage participation.

3)     Excessive Modesty

Now, whatever praise or blame one may deserve, it is certain that whoever rejects what everyone else desires shows that he either criticizes or despises them; and to scorn glory and honor, which are so highly esteemed by others, is to glorify and honor oneself above all others, since no one of sound mind rejects such valued things, except those who believe themselves to have an abundance of what is most dear. Therefore, we should neither boast of our possessions, nor make a mockery of them, for one reproaches others for their shortcomings, and the other mocks their virtues. Rather, each of us, as much as possible, should remain silent about ourselves, or, if the occasion compels us to speak of ourselves, the gracious habit is to speak truthfully but with humility (...).

The author offers a reflection that, at first glance, might seem counterintuitive: while it is important to avoid arrogance and presumption, it is equally necessary to beware of excessive modesty. This is because by downplaying what others admire—our successes—we may come across as feeling superior. Della Casa encourages us not to belittle ourselves but to recognize and accept our merits with humility, without flaunting or dismissing them.

4)     Gossip

One should not speak ill of others or their possessions, even though at the moment it may seem that listeners eagerly lend their ears, driven by the envy we often harbor for each other’s good fortune and honor. But in the end, everyone flees from the bull that charges, and people avoid the friendship of slanderers, reasoning that what they say about others to us, they will say about us to others.

Gossip may seem like an innocent form of conversation, but it ends up eroding trust and damaging relationships. Della Casa reminds us that slander leads to a loss of credibility and friendships, as those who speak ill of others rarely enjoy the trust of those around them.

5)     Nitpicking

He who loves to be friendly and gentle in conversation should not be quick to say, 'That is not how it was,' or 'Rather, it is as I tell you,' nor should he be eager to place bets on the matter. Instead, he should strive to be accommodating to the opinions of others, especially on trivial matters. For victory in such cases often results in loss, as winning a frivolous argument frequently costs a dear friend and makes one tiresome to others, so much so that they hesitate to engage with us, not wanting to always be at odds. Hence, they nickname us 'Master Always-Wins,' 'Sir Contradictor,' or 'Ser Everything-to-Know,' and at times even 'Doctor Subtlety’.

Insisting on always being right, especially on matters of minor importance, can compromise relationships and create a tense atmosphere. Della Casa encourages us to choose our battles wisely and to prioritize harmony in conversations, sometimes accepting the opinions of others without feeling the need to prevail.

6)     Unsolicited Advice

Offering your unsolicited advice is nothing other than claiming to be wiser than the one to whom you are giving counsel, or even reproaching them for their lack of knowledge and their ignorance. For this reason, such advice should not be given to just any acquaintance, but only to the closest of friends or to those whose governance and guidance is entrusted to us, or indeed, when great danger threatens someone, even if they are a stranger to us.

With his advice to reserve suggestions only for delicate situations or close friends, Della Casa implicitly invites us to place more importance on listening than speaking. Often, when people talk, they aren’t seeking advice but someone who will listen without judgment or an immediate response. Discretion and respect should guide us when offering advice, bearing in mind that our intentions can be misunderstood and negatively impact relationships. Even today, this advice is invaluable: giving advice should be driven by tact, empathy, and respect for others’ autonomy.

7)     Witty Remarks

And you must also know that some jests bite, while others do not; for the former, let Lauretta’s wise teaching suffice: jests should bite the listener like a sheep, not like a dog. For if they were to bite like a dog, the jest would no longer be a jest, but rudeness (...).

Della Casa warns us to choose our words carefully, ensuring that jokes are light and witty without crossing the line and hurting the listener. The art of conversation involves reading the context and using humor to add lightness and enjoyment rather than causing humiliation or discomfort.

8)     Correcting Others

And when dealing with others, you must accustom yourself to using gentle, modest, and sweet words, so that they carry no bitter taste; and it is better to say: 'I did not express myself well,' or 'You did not understand me,' or 'Let us consider if what we are saying is truly so,' rather than say: 'You are wrong!' or 'That is not true!' or 'You do not know!' For it is courteous and gracious to soften a rebuke, even when you mean to correct someone, and one ought to share in a friend's mistake, first taking a part of the blame oneself, and then correcting them: 'We took the wrong path,' or 'We did not remember to do this yesterday,' even if the forgetfulness belongs to the other and not to you.

In personal or professional relationships, the ability to correct someone with respect and empathy is essential for maintaining good relationships. Della Casa advises avoiding accusatory and aggressive tones, instead keeping the dialogue open and striving to be part of the solution.

9)     The Art of Eloquence

And if you know how to choose from your language the purest and most appropriate words, those that have the best sound and meaning, without any recollection of anything ugly, base, or low, and if you arrange them, not throwing them together carelessly, nor aligning them with too obvious an effort, and furthermore, if you distribute carefully the things you wish to say, (…) and if you do not speak too slowly, like someone who is disinterested, nor too greedily, like someone who is famished, but as a moderate man should speak, and if you pronounce the letters and syllables with a fitting sweetness, not like a teacher instructing children to read and spell, nor shall you chew or swallow them, glued and smeared together; if you remember these and other such teachings, your speech will be pleasant and willingly listened to by people, and you will maintain the rank and dignity befitting a well-bred and well-mannered gentleman.

Communicating effectively, with the right pace and appropriate language, is fundamental to being heard and respected in social and professional relationships. Eloquence is not just a technical skill but a form of relational intelligence that promotes understanding, respect, and the building of solid and lasting relationships.

10) Speaking and Silence at the Right Time

But just as excessive talking is annoying, so too does excessive silence provoke dislike, because remaining silent when others speak in turn seems like a refusal to contribute one's share. And since speaking is a way of opening your soul to those who listen, silence, on the contrary, seems like a desire to remain unknown. For this reason, just as those peoples who are accustomed to drinking heavily at their feasts tend to drive away those who do not drink, so too are those who remain mute unwelcome in joyful and friendly gatherings. Thus, the pleasing custom is to speak and remain silent each in turn when it is their time.

In this precept, Della Casa once again emphasizes balance and moderation. Just as it is wrong to dominate the conversation without leaving room for others, it is equally wrong never to speak. As mentioned, conversation is an exchange, an act of sharing: remaining silent while others actively participate can give the impression of wanting to stay distant or unwilling to share. Proper behavior consists of knowing when to speak, remaining silent, and maintaining the right balance in the conversation.

In my next article, I will explore some of the more amusing aspects of Galateo, focusing on those precepts that today may seem odd to us. However, through these curious rules of behavior, we can better understand the society of the time and how social norms have changed over the centuries.

See you soon!

The excerpts from the Galateo have been translated by myself, aiming to stay as faithful as possible to the original text while making them accessible to the modern reader.